Convenience
by Clementine17
Summary: Aren’t marriages of convenience completely outdated?” Dan asks. Character Death and Future Fic. DB DS DV BC RL


Serena dies on a rainy night in June a week after they finish school. Blair and Dan find themselves next to each other when the news is delivered. Dan hunches over and throws up all over the hospital floor and the only thought that runs through Blair's mind is that it is ironic that he threw up and not her.

-

There is a funeral. Eleanor makes a special dress for her. She wears it the one time and then puts it in a box. The box will remain in the back of her closet for the rest of her life and she will never be able to remember what it looks like. She sits next to Dan, both of them gripping their seats for support. Lily sits next to her, clutching Rufus Humphrey's hand with her own, now bare of an engagement ring. Eric gives a speech that is both funny and sincere. Blair knows it is the only part of the entire ordeal that would have received Serena's approval.

-

Afterwards, Dan walks into the loft alone. His dad is still with Lily and Jenny had told him that she needed to be there for Nate. He hadn't waited around to hear what Jenny had actually meant and had left as soon as possible. He goes to his room and finds Blair Waldorf sitting on his bed, her shoes tossed in the corner.

"Are you drunk?"

"I wish," she scoffs and then starts to cry. Dan sits next to her and takes her hand, a gesture that surprises them both.

"How is this possible?" she asks.

"I don't know," he says and looks at Blair. There is recognition there, the realization that they are both going through the same thing. Years later they will still argue about who made the first move, but it doesn't really matter. They end up in bed together because

they are the only people who can understand how the other feels.

-

Senior year passes in a wave of liquor and college applications. They don't speak about that night and Dan returns to his days of loneliness, only really speaking to Vanessa. He gets into Dartmouth early decision and all but stops showing up for school. Blair, who had long ago regained her social status, goes back to her friends and attempts to pretend that nothing happened. She gets into Yale and plasters a huge smile on her face for all those around her. Every once in a while she hears a whisper in her ear about facing her feelings, but she shrugs it off. The voice is less intimidating when the owner is not there to force her to listen.

-

In the summer she receives an invitation to Rufus and Lily's wedding. She throws it out without a second glance, but it bothers her for months afterwards. All she can think is that wedding bells are ringing for the wrong Humphrey and van der Woodsen.

-

Yale goes by faster than she imagined. She dates, but always pulls away right before things get too serious. She still wants the house in the Hamptons and the two kids, but every time she tries to date some nice boy from Connecticut she finds herself imagining Serena mocking them. By junior year she gives up and focuses on her studies. At graduation Chuck Bass finds her and slips a diamond bracelet around her wrist. She asks what took him so long.

-

Dartmouth is everything that Dan had imagined. He applies himself to writing and his professors rave about his talent. He has a small circle of friends and still speaks to Vanessa once a week as she pursues film at NYU. And every weekend there's a new girl in his bed. They're always blonde and always gorgeous. It never matters though and the guilt he feels afterwards should be enough to stop him, but it never is. By graduation he's had more one night stands than he cares to think about and he decides it's time for a change. When Vanessa comes up to congratulate him, he grabs her waist and kisses her. She asks what took him so long.

-

Chuck and Blair marry two years later. Dan receives the invitation and laughs. Vanessa snorts and mutters something about them deserving each other. He disagrees. If they love each other enough to look past everything that has happened, they will be happy. He's living in LA with Vanessa and has almost finished his novel. He doesn't go to the wedding, but sends a bouquet of flowers. He doesn't hear back, but he doesn't expect to.

-

Two years later and his novel has been published and on the bestseller list for over six months. He's being hailed as a genius and his second novel is already half done. This seems like the best time to get married and he begins to focus on finding a ring. The problem is that every time he closes his eyes he imagines putting the ring on Serena's hand. He feels the guilt coil in his chest and the pain that always comes with her memory twists his heart in half. He ignores it and a week later he is down on one knee proposing to Vanessa.

-

Vanessa says no. Blair and Chuck get divorced.

-

Dan is back in the city for two weeks before he runs into Blair. He's sitting at a bar and turns his chair to find himself face to face with her. He's shocked at how young she still looks.

"Waldorf."

"Cabbage Patch," she replies and they both smile because they know nothing has changed.

"Sorry about the failed engagement," she quips and sips her drink.

"Sorry about the divorce," he replies, "how did you know about Vanessa?"

"You think I don't keep in contact with your stepmother?'

"Right."

"What happened?" she asks. Dan is about to tell her it's none of her business, but reconsiders and then decides to screw it and just tell her the truth.

"She said she couldn't marry me knowing that she would always be second to Serena. She said it was unfair for me to ask and that we had to stop pretending we were in a real relationship. Apparently, our relationship was just a tool for me to avoid thinking about Serena."

"Was she right?"

"Yes," he says and signals for another drink.

-

Over the next few months they establish somewhat of a routine. They eat together at least four times a week and spend time together on top of this. It's an odd friendship and both are hesitant to apply this name to it. She reads the drafts for his new novel and tears them to shreds. He mocks her charity dinners and social events. They never speak of Vanessa again and have never broached the topic of Chuck. They mention Serena rarely and whenever they do it so depresses them that they tend to move on from it abruptly. They snap at each other often and sarcasm is their main way of communication. Yet, somehow they have become completely co-dependent.

-

"I think we should get married," Blair says one Sunday night. Dan has cooked for them and they are eating at his apartment. He chokes on his meat and has to gulp water and cough for close to a minute before he can issue a strangled "what?'

"I think we should get married," she repeats, stressing each word as if she is speaking to a child.

"I don't understand."

"Dan, I think that you and I should get married. Can I make myself clearer?"

"What the hell would make you think that? We're not even dating."

"Exactly and neither of us wants to. Look, the love of your life died when you were seventeen. You're never going to find someone anywhere near Serena. Do you really want to be alone for the rest of your life?"

"Blair, I accepted my fate a long time ago. But the love of your life didn't die. He's out there somewhere and I can't even begin to imagine why you would want to give up on that," Dan says. He can't believe he is taking this seriously, but for some reason the expression on her face makes it clear that he has to.

"The love of my life divorced me," Blair says and it is the first time they have spoken about Chuck or the divorce. He's stunned and the silence eerily settles over them. Never did he imagine that it was Chuck who had asked for the divorce.

"He divorced you?" Dan questions.

"Yes. I want to be married. I want a family and if it can't be with the man I'm in love with then it should be with the man I trust. Think of it as a marriage of convenience."

"What makes you trust me?"

"You and I are the only people who truly understand each other. Of course I trust you. I'm tired, I'm just tired of it all."

"Blair, you can't get married because you're tired. Marriage isn't an escape, it's a lifelong commitment."

"Exactly. Don't you see? We're both fated to be alone, but we can escape it," she says and her voice is filled with something that Dan recognizes as being close to hope, but not hope itself. They are both too disillusioned for hope. Her suggestion shouldn't make sense to him, but it does. However, there are still things that make it too complicated.

"You want to have kids with me?"

"It's not like we haven't had sex."

"I know, but kids Blair."

"Yes, I want to have children with you," she says and looks him straight in the eyes. He opens his mouth to respond to how ludicrous this entire discussion is, but closes it.

"Aren't marriages of convenience completely outdated?" Dan asks.

"Somewhat, but we'll just tell people we've been secretly dating," she says. Dan opens his mouth to once again point out how ridiculous she sounds, but once again he closes it. He's looking at her and trying to come up with a reason for why they shouldn't do this, but for some reason he cannot.

"Okay," he whispers, "let's get married."

-

They have a private ceremony and decide against inviting anyone. Instead, they tell their parents the next day. Rufus and Lily are more than surprised, but force out smiles. They're shocked, but by the end of the lunch both Blair and Dan can see understanding seeping into them. They don't tell them that it's more out of convenience, but they seem to know anyway. Allison awkwardly congratulates them and then pretends that someone is at the door. The whole conversation lasts less than two minutes. Eleanor is living in the country now and they decide that a call will be just fine. She's far too tired from her daughter's love life and only wishes them happiness before hanging up. Blair's father and partner offer to buy them tickets to France so they can celebrate. They decline, but Blair spends an hour on the phone with her father. Dan doesn't hear any of the conversation, but Blair isn't crying afterwards so he figures everything is all right. They call their friends next and after the fourth person drops the phone they find themselves missing gossip girl and her ability to spread news so quickly.

-

There's a party thrown in their honor. There are so many rumors surrounding their marriage that no one knows what to believe any more. They leave early and walk back to theapartment together hand in hand. It's weird and awkward, but they're getting the hang of it. And somehow it's the most normal either of them has felt since Serena died.

-

A year goes by and Blair finds that she is pregnant. It was planned, but it still is a surprise. She is carrying Dan Humphrey's child and this fact somewhat baffles her. It's what she wanted, but she's having trouble allowing for herself to be happy. The whole marriage was her idea, but she never thought they would go through with it. In fact, she keeps waiting for it to reveal itself to be one huge joke. This cannot be her life. Everything is just so different from how she planned. Her best friend was not meant to die, she was not meant to be divorced at twenty-six, and she was never meant to be married out of convenience. And she was never, ever meant to be married to Dan Humphrey, much less carrying his child. Yet, here she is. Dan gets home later that night and she tells him. It's awkward and she can tell that he isn't sure how to act either. Yes, they're supposed to want this, but wanting something and having it actually happen are two very different things. Then he pulls her to him and hugs her in a way that makes her feel loved.

"We're going to have a baby," he whispers into her hair and she holds him tighter.

"A baby," she whispers back. She knows that she's not in love with him, but she does love him and that seems like enough.

-

Audrey Serena Humphrey is born on a sunny day in April. Blair screams and Dan encourages her, while their family waits. He's shocked that they have all come to the hospital, but knows that this is what normal families do. He tries to think of them as a normal family, but fails. He will never be able to think of himself and Blair as a normal married couple, but he doesn't think that this is necessarily a bad thing. He knows that he's not in love with her, but he does love her. He loves her more than he ever thought he would. It's not even close to how he felt for Serena and it's so different from what he felt for Vanessa, but it's there and it's real. He kisses the top of her head as she holds their daughter and she looks at him with such a large smile that he can't help but return it. It isn't conventional, but it's what they have and it's enough.

-

Dan sees Vanessa again when Audrey is one week away from her third birthday. He's walking her back to their apartment after she spent the morning with Rufus and Lily who continue to spoil her. Between them and Blair's parents he's beginning to worry that his daughter will never know the meaning of the word "no". She's sleeping in the stroller, completely exhausted and he's happy to enjoy the nice weather and the long walk. He hears Vanessa before he sees her.

"Dan?" she asks and he recognizes the uncertainty in her tone. He turns around and comes face to face with her.

"Vanessa. Hi," he replies and awkwardly hugs her, keeping one hand on the stroller in front of him.

"Wow, so you have a kid," she says and is unable to hide the shock in her voice.

"Yeah, this is Audrey. She's usually really animated, but she sort of passed out as soon as I put her in the stroller. She's exhausted from playing with Gramps and Grandma all day," he says, turning the stroller so Vanessa can see the sleeping girl.

"You're actually married to Blair Waldorf aren't you?" she asks, the disbelief evident on every word.

"Yeah, I thought you knew."

"Jenny told me and I saw the pictures, but I guess I never really believed it."

"Well, we're married. I would have called you, but I didn't know where we stood."

"Yeah. So you're officially a member of the Upper East Side?"

"Vanessa, don't."

"Did you really want to be a part of their world that much? Or was she the closest thing to Serena that you could find?" she spits out angrily.

"Don't you dare question my life," he yells back.

"What life? This isn't a life, it's you pretending."

"No, this is my life. Blair is my wife and this is my daughter. What right do you have to judge me?"

"Dan, do you see what this is? This is your pathetic attempt to recapture the life you could have had with Serena and it's Blair's way of achieving a family after her divorce."

"I can't talk to you. I hope you're well, but if this is how you feel about me then I can't do this," he says and turns and walks away.

"Dan," Vanessa calls after him and after a moment he can hear her running after him.

"What?" he asks, spinning around.

"I'm sorry, but you have to understand what this looks like."

"I don't care what it looks like, I care what it is."

"Okay, but can you honestly tell me that this is what you wanted from your life. To be married to the girl who made your teenage life hell? I mean, did you actually fall in love with her? Because when I talked to Jenny she said she didn't know what this was about, but it wasn't love. Dan, what is this? What are you trying to be or do with this life?" Vanessa asks and afterwards she's short of breath and is looking at him desperately.

"I don't know what you want to hear," he says, and it's the truth. He doesn't understand what Vanessa is looking for in the conversation.

"I'm sorry if it seems like I'm attacking you. I don't mean to. But we were best friends for such a long time and I know you and this isn't you. I guess, I just want to know how you can be happy or if you're happy."

"I am happy," he says and then looks at his daughter who has somehow been able to sleep through the argument.

"Really? Because I've known you a long time and the man I knew would not be happy in this life."

"I am happy," he repeats and he realizes that this is the first time he has said this out loud. It is also the first time he has truly acknowledged it. He is very happy with his life. He knows it isn't normal or even close to that, but it's his and it works.

"And I'm not the man you used to know and besides that, I wasn't happy when I was that man. Please believe that I have changed because I've found a way to be happy," Dan explains.

"Okay, that's good then. It was nice to see you" Vanessa replies and somehow Dan knows that this will be the last time he sees her for a long time, if not forever. Strangely he is comfortable with this. He misses their friendship, but it was so mutated by their romantic relationship that they can never return to it. He also knows that she will never be able to accept the life he has built with Blair. But he is happy, so much happier than he ever thought he would be. This fact fills him with a sense of wonderment and he feels himself grow happier with just the fact that he is so satisfied with his life. He looks at Audrey again and then back at Vanessa.

"Yeah, good to see you" he says and then turns and walks the rest of his way home with a smile on his face.

-

"I heard you had a daughter," Chuck says and Blair feels every part of her body freeze. Her mind races, but she can't think of anything to say. He moved to London after their divorce and she hasn't heard from him since, just as he had promised. Her eyes graze over the people around her and she knows that she can't make a scene. She turns to face him and feels her heart speed up to a rapid thumping she is sure he can hear. Dan is at home with a sick Audrey and she so desires his presence that she wants to cry. However, she's a Waldorf and refuses to allow any of this to show to her ex-husband.

"Yes. Audrey, she's three."

"Congratulations Blair."

"Thank you," she says and turns to walk away, but he catches her elbow.

"I also heard you married Dan Humphrey," he says and slides his hand to her wedding ring before letting go.

"Also true."

"Well you always did want to be like Serena," he says and his voice is as cold as it was so many years ago when he told her he didn't want her anymore. She feels as if she's been slapped and swallows hard to keep the tears down.

"You have no right to speak to me about anything, especially my marriage," she hisses and turns to leave but he catches her elbow again. She yanks it away from him, but he grabs her wrist instead.

"I'm sorry, Blair, I'm sorry," he says and softens his hold on her wrist, "I didn't mean it."

"Go to hell Chuck," she says, but continues to stand in front of him. There's a small crowd looking at them from across the room and Blair refuses to be talked about in the morning's round of gossip.

"I'm sorry I said it. You're right. I don't have a right to judge you, but Dan Humphrey?" he asks.

"Why does it matter to you? You divorced me or do you not remember?"

"I know, but… I miss you," he says and he takes her hand.

"What?" she asks because nothing could shock her more. He had made it very clear that the divorce was what he wanted.

"I miss you, us together," he replies, moving his thumb across her hand and speaking in such a way that she knows he is sincere.

"Are you saying the divorce was a mistake?" she asks and nervously swallows to fight away the emotions that are bubbling at the surface. She honestly does not know what she wants his answer to be.

"I don't know. I just know that I miss being with you."

"It's too late," she says and it surprises both of them. Years ago she would have killed to hear these words, but now they mean almost nothing to her.

"Blair, look me in the eyes and tell me that you are truly happy with your life. Completely content."

"I am," she says and she smiles, "I really am. I have to go, but I hope one day you'll be happy too."

She leaves and walks back to their apartment with a smile on her face the whole way.

-

Two days after she runs into Chuck and three weeks after he sees Vanessa, Dan and Blair go to the park and let Audrey play on the playground. Dan had bought them both cappuccinos and they are watching their daughter go down the slide for the third time when Blair tells him that she saw Chuck the other night.

"I know," Dan replies.

"Of course you do."

"It never does cease to amaze me how much people want to tell me things they think I don't know."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she says as Audrey yells for them to watch. They both do and when she finishes sliding again she takes off for the sandbox on the other end of the playground.

"It's okay," he says as they slowly follow her.

"I should have told you."

"Blair, I don't worry about Chuck. What did he want?" he asks, unable to hide his curiosity.

"He wanted to tell me that he missed me."

"As in he wanted you back?"

"As in he wasn't sure what he wanted."

"What did you say?"

"I said it was too late. It is too late," Blair says, looking into Dan's eyes and willing him to believe her.

"I believe you," Dan says and Blair knows that he does. There has never been a lack of trust between them.

"He then asked if I was happy. I told him I was very happy," she says and turns to look at Dan, slipping her hand in his. He looks at her and suddenly feels the weight of her words. They weren't meant to last. Their marriage was more of an experiment, an answer to his loneliness and her desire for a family. Yet, somehow, here they are. They are together, they have a daughter, and they are happy.

"I'm happy too," he says and tightens the grip on her hand.

"Dan, I'm in love with you," she says and it is the first time she has ever said this to him. It's not necessarily the first time she has felt this, but it is the first time she has truly acknowledged that somewhere in the span of their marriage she fell completely and totally in love with him.

"I'm in love with you too," he replies and is surprised at how it feels to say it. For so long he had felt that it would be a betrayal to Serena, but it isn't. His love for Blair does not diminish the love he still feels for Serena, it really does not affect it at all. It's funny. They did everything so backwards and probably for the wrong reasons, but it all worked out. He looks at Blair and then kisses her. The kiss is chaste and does not last for more than a moment, but in that moment they are both able to convey the love and happiness they both feel. The kiss ends and they smile at each other. Their daughter yells for them to look at her kick the sand and they oblige, feeling happier and lighter than they ever have before.


End file.
